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This past Friday, I went to see the Jay Shetty Live Show at the Hard Rock Cafe in Hollywood, FL, and something that really stuck with me was how we all have the same human experience of feeling like others are judging us, of thinking that we aren't good enough, and that we will never account to nothing meanigful or find our purpose in life.

He said four words stop us from living our fullest lives.

"What will people think?"

"What will people say?"

"What will people do?"

And I think this is true: We stop ourselves from doing many of the things we want to try, from saying many of the opinions we have, because we fear what others will think about us, say about us, and do afterwards.

We make ourselves smaller to be liked and miss the chance to take up space in our own lives.

The show ended with a powerful quote that I want to share with you:

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The Spotlight Effect

I told you before how we all share the human feeling that others are constantly thinking about us and judging us.

This feeling is part of a very common cognitive, egocentric bias called "The Spotlight Effect".

Simply put, the Spotlight Effect is this psychological phenomenon we all experience, where we overestimate the degree to which other people are noticing or observing our actions, behaviors, appearance, or results, and where we feel that there is a spotlight shining on us in public and social situations.

The term was coined in 2000, after a research study, where psychologists asked students to wear an embarrassing or flattering t-shirt, and then determined how many of their classmates noticed it. The students in the experiment estimated that about 50% would have noticed, when in reality, only about 25% of their classmates did.

This simple study reveals two truths:

1. We all think people are staring and noticing our behavior and appearance, when in reality, most people aren't.
2. Even when people do notice us, they tend to quickly forget about it.

The downsides of the Spotlight Effect in our lives include things like:

• You shrink yourself down from speaking up and from sharing your voice and your opinion on things that matter to you. You don't take on big opportunities for fear of people noticing you and judging you. Or you make yourself smaller in public settings by avoiding eye contact or speaking quietly.
• You suffer from social anxiety in both past and present public settings, so memories of past experiences with others can create a lot of anxiety and stress in present experiences and prevent you from feeling comfortable in public settings.
• You avoid doing things that may make you uncomfortable but that would increase your happiness, like speaking with strangers, going out by yourself, dancing at parties, etc., for fear of what others may say or think.
• You become overly self-conscious and live constantly concerned about what other people may be thinking about your appearance, intellect, or success, and so, you never let yourself truly be who you really are, wear what you like, or do the activities you are called to do.

The Spotlight Effect is a natural part of being human, and though we may never fully turn off the spotlight effect in our lives, we can work towards dimming its effects in our lives.

How to dim the "Spotlight Effect" in our lives?

No matter how confident or comfortable in your skin you are, it's important to notice that the Spotlight Effect is something that affects us all, at different levels and in different settings and stages.

That's why it's so important to learn to fight back against its impact on our lives.

Here are three strategies towards reducing the belief that people are always observing us and judging us:

1. Create awareness: The first step towards managing any cognitive biases we may have, especially things like negative biases, is to become aware that we have them in the first place. Notice the default setting of your mind to automatically focus on the negative (versus the positive) and to believe others are always judging us.

Make it a point to remind yourself that others are never really as tuned into what you are doing and how you look as you are, and even when they are, they more often than not quickly forget about it because they are thinking about themselves.

2. Lean into curiosity about others: Usually, we enter social settings with a desire to be liked by others. When you focus on being curious about others, instead of trying to impress them, you lower the tension and social anxiety, and build up your own confidence and ease.

Make it a point to really lean into curiosity by asking questions, listening to others, and engaging with them. Focusing on other people helps you

3. Ask "What if the worst-case scenario happens?": This may seem counterproductive, but often, when we are afraid of what others may think or say, of messing up publicly, of failing, and others noticing, we think our lives will be over. Think about your worst fears becoming a reality and then ask yourself, "What would happen?" Yes, you may be embarrassed. Yes, you may stumble your way through. Yes, people may judge you and criticize you for a moment. But you will still be alive. You will still be okay. Your family and friends will still love you. Life will move on. And as always, people will quickly forget it.

Usually, what we think will happen is never nearly as bad as what really happens. Seneca famously said, "We suffer more in imagination than in reality."

We make the mistake of worrying about what other people will think about us and letting that be a fundamental factor in what we do or don't do.

And then, we make the mistake of thinking that other people are even thinking about us in the first place.

You are so much more than the fear of judgment from others.

A Return To Love

I love this quote by Marianne Williamson because I think it shines a powerful light on the fact that by playing small, by being timid, by not speaking up, by not sharing our voices, we are not only shrinking the possibilities for our lives, but we are also doing others a disservice.

When you let your light shine, when you go after the things that light your soul on fire, when you feel the fear and still take action despite it, when you heal from what holds you back, you show others what is possible for their lives, too.

And oftentimes, that's where you find the true purpose and meaning you were looking for.

Define Success For You

One of the parts I liked most about the show with Jay Shetty was a part of the conversation with surprise guest, Joe Jonas, where he talked about how earlier in his career, he equaled success with numbers: with being number one in the charts, with selling the most tickets for his tours, with recording the most songs, with having the biggest fan base, with doing more always...

At some point, he realized that this way of defining success left him feeling empty and like no matter how much he did, it was never enough.

He recounted the story that a few years ago, while on the set of one of the movies he was recording, one of the producers had on top of his desk a phrase that said, "How do you want them to feel?" "How do you want to feel?"

He then started shifting his perspective on success to what kind of impact his work had on others. And what kind of impact did it have on him?

I loved this story because it's easy to fall into this trap of wanting to quantify everything. Of wanting to quantify how much we accomplish and many of the many experiences we have.

And so, we forget along the way that some things cannot be measured. Some things can only be experienced and lived.

This is my invitation to you that whenever you are caught in this cycle of looking for more, doing more, accomplishing more, making more, being more, you pause and ask yourself this question that will really help you define success for you:

"At the end, how do I want to feel?"

And no less important, "How do I want to make others feel (with my work, with my presence, with my attitude, with what I put out there in the world)?"

Define success not only in numbers, but also in the qualities you want your life (and your work) to embody.

Choose Your Hard

Everyone always advises and says, 'get out of your comfort zone'. But what we often forget is that choosing to get outside your comfort zone also means that you will feel uncomfortable, that it will be painful and hard at times, and that you will feel resistance towards doing it.

All of that, though painful, is a needed part of the growth process of going from where we currently are (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually) towards the next stage of our journey.

So, instead of complaining about the pain, about the discomfort you feel, start accepting it as a fundamental part of the growth you want to experience and tell it, "Thank you for making me stronger and helping me get to those places I belong".

Avoid The High Achievers Paradox

The High Achievers Paradox happens when we are so focused on achieving more that we forget to allow ourselves to feel the emotional benefits of achievement.

Simply put, it's when you are so focused on accomplishing your goals that you don't celebrate your progress and the wins along the way.

What this creates it's an inability to celebrate your accomplishments, because as soon as you accomplish one goal, you are focused on the next goal and milestone. As such, you don't give yourself the time or the space to feel proud of what you have accomplished.

The problem with this form of high productivity is that it never fulfills you, becuase you are always on to the next thing.

A simple but powerful thing to do to fight this:

Celebrate the small wins along the way. Notice the progress, no matter how small or insignificant you may believe it is. And above all, create the space between one goal and the next one, so your life is not always about doing more.

But instead, it's about enjoying the journey more.

Make space to notice the good. It really is a practice, so practice it!.

A Quote To Take More Chances

If you want your life to change in big ways, you need to start going for it, taking a chance, and risking it.

Maybe, just maybe, consider that what you want most is on the other side of taking the leap. And just jump.

p.s.: Want to receive the Ultimate Guide with the 5 Powerful Mindset Shifts you need to take right now to change your life? Register here!​

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